#WeekendCoffeeShare

WEEKEND

If we were having coffee, I’d be hysterical right now. I’m gonna share with you what’s been happening in this crazy little brain of mine so I want you to order a Venti Granola Dark Mocha frappe, okay? Okay. Now…

I woke up at one a.m. with no apparent reason and just like every day, I wake up at around one in the morning, just because. These are times of my day when my brain is either at its peak thinking the next big thing or am just dead as a robot, typing my way to income-generating sites for my personal gain.

But this morning, I woke up and I slightly have an uneasy feeling. Like, I am too excited for nothing and too scared about something unknown. Have you ever had that feeling? Like you’re too happy and you’re scared at the same time because you don’t know the exact reason for your happiness? If you have, then I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone.

I was feeling too much glee. I have this wide smile on my face but I don’t know why. Am I going insane? But then…at three a.m., while am wondering and wandering, certain thoughts came to me in a flush.

My cousin T. asked me lately how am doing and I just talked casually. Cousin T. is unsure if I have changed or not. Years ago cousin T. saw me as a

crazily-insane-lovely-lonesome

and I was like…”Whhhaaaaaatttttt…?” haha funnily enough I loved the description. Recently, I asked him about why or in what way?

Cousin: Okay, you are a lovely kid, no question…

yet ever since I knew you, you have always shown that your brainwaves aren’t that of any other, which may make them misunderstand you and say you are crazy…

oh yes you are crazy, a good kind of crazy…

first it was the world of words, now you have other outlets…and you were good at it…

Me: ohhhh….

didn’t change a bit dear…

though your craziness was lesser now…

or maybe because I don’t see you that much nowadays…?

And then I suddenly went back to that message this morning. And you know what came to me? This…

I think and I think I am certain that I haven’t changed a bit, Cuz. I’m still crazily insane and I think am still the lonesome little kid you met at 12. I still do things due to heavy gravity pulls of my emotions and never using my brain when deciding. I never think of consequences and I have proven to people that I am crazy that they now hate me. I guess they don’t hate me that much but you know…that feeling of being a “misfit” in every corner eats me out alive. And you’re right. I do not belong to anything or anyone. I do not fit and I will never fit in a crowd. I’ll always be that different, that distant. I can’t sync my brain to other people and I hate it when I know about their thoughts or emotions. I do not want to care but I care too much that I become a monster along the way. Because I keep on rejecting everything right now. I care but I say and I repeat it every time that I don’t. Every time someone opens up to me I stop him or her mid-sentence and tell the person “I don’t effing care!” but deep inside my mind is so curious I can’t help but wonder how he or she is doing. I’ve rejected a lot lately and it’s making me more insane than ever!

What a load for your October first, eh? Oh, and have I told you lately about how I cried over nothing? Yep, that’s right. I cried out loud, alone in the house, while everybody’s out and I cannot stop.  See? Insanity. Haha! Anyways…

I think that I am popular in my own world. I am a famous writer in my own little earth inside of me (now am I Autistic too?) hahahahah! Why do I think so? Because in my world, I am the only person and everybody became trees and or animals. Every time I write on my paper, they seem to be near and waiting for what word I’m going to write next. And I just feel so good about it you know? Hahaha! Sorry if I posted this as a blog post and not texted you instead. It’s just that it is October One and I feel like coming out of my shell just for today. I think you might be reading this now or you may never find this but here it is, out in the open. Haha!

Your Crazy Cousin from the North,

J.

P.S. Who used to escape family gatherings just to attend a meeting? Me!!! Who used to escape free time for friends just to attend a meeting? Me!!! Who used to be prepared for a supermom scolding after a meeting? ME!!! But today is different. I skipped a meeting. I was tempted to escape once again. My heart races with the thought of it. My brain is thrilled to run to the halls and attend the meeting today. But I didn’t. I gripped the sofa while stopping myself from standing up and putting my shoes on for a run. I bit lips a dozen times just to stop myself from thinking of escaping.

P.P.S. I’m inlove! you know how I easily fall for stuff right? Not people, but stuff! nyhahahaha!!!

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